It’s All Too Insidery

There is apparently some sort of demand for this. I couldn’t tell you why. Most people who read this could not possibly understand half of the stories/jokes. It’s all too insidery. So I’m not quite sure where this demand is coming from, but I dig it like Dugtrio. I guess you like my tales of life, adventure, and pure absurdity. It has been a while and for that I apologize. Not really. There just has not been anything to write about. Since I have been back in Maryland I have just went to O’s games, read, went to a film festival, and hung out with some cool dudes. So we could either a) talk about those things, or b) do something else.

I chose a) because b) was unclear as to what that something else could be. Could have been ‘bortions, could have been a boat. Either way. The Orioles suck. I hate them. Did you know that the song they play before every game is Kings and Queens by 30 Seconds to Mars. How perfect. They were the Kings of promise weren’t they. “Into the night, desperate and broken.” “We were the victims of ourselves.” They really hit the nail on the head with that song. It is kind of like how Tom Petty wrote Free Fallin about Bryan Merlock in female form. The original went  more like this. “He’s a good boy, and he loves his mama. He loves horses, and his girlfriend too.” Thanks to Shane Mayberry for that. Anyway back to the O’s. This was supposed to be the year we got better. Not great, but better. We are 10-10 in our last 20 but that’s not even good, it just looks good next to a 2-16 start. We are all upset, especially Mike White. He got in an argument with Adam Jones’ mom about how terrible her son is playing. To read his take on it all, and the argument itself click his name up there. And then ask yourself the all important questions. Why is she on facbook? Why does she say LMAO? Why did she call Race Card when Mike was winning? I guess not doing well under pressure runs in the family. Swish. Congrats Mike, you won that argument in my book. You deserve drums in your apartment for that.

I’m currently reading On the Road. Ryan Langrehr and BMer have told me time and again how great of a book it is. So far they were right. I love it. It really makes me want to travel West. But it wouldn’t be the same now. I would just hop on a plane and fly to Denver.  There’s no adventure in that. Although traveling to Denver like Sal did would be dangerous, terrible, and take forever. Speaking of terrible, and taking forever. My friend Kiel had a film showing at the Screech Awards, which is like a local film festival thing. The film he was in was actually very funny and a good time. There were five other films though. Of those five, four of them made me quickly realize I was sitting in a community college, watching films of the same quality. The first was so awful it doesn’t get more than this sentence. The second, was a good time. That was sarcasm. It was like hostel, but 14 times worse. Not like gory worse, like terrible movie worse. This dude was apparently turning into a robot or something. But they used string as wires I guess, so he turned into a giant ball of yarn. At one point he is floating down a stream, not sure why, and it cuts to him washed up on shore with the lower part of his leg missing, and aisle 7 of Jo-Ann Fabrics pouring out of him. Bryan leans over to me and says “dude, the lake sharks got him” I laughed. The movie was so bad, I felt bad laughing. Kiel tells me that the dude who made its goal was to “have someone in the audience throw up.” First off, what the hell is wrong with you. You think you’re Eli Roth or something. Second, you probably did make a few people throw up with, that script and all. Douche. So the third movie was a softcore porn flick. Pretty awkward. Pretty not worth talking about. The fourth was Kiel’s film. Barry Clean. More or less a comedy about Mr. Clean trying to get his life back after being dumped for the new guy, Mr. Shine. (Kiel’s character) Pretty funny film, we all laughed the whole time. After that we had to sit through Blair Witch Project 2.0. Which was complete crap because nothing ever happened. It was 30 minutes of suspense, which lead to nothing. And it won best film. The dude who directed the flim made it quickly apparent how much of a douche he was. Being an Abercombie model and all, he probably was so excited to take that award surfing with him in Kokomo, after driving there in his saab, with his blonde girlfriend, wearing her huge fake glasses with the boobs to match. The last film was the best. Woodchopper. It took place after the world had run out of gas. Poeple were siphoning gas out of junkyard cars for hundreds of dollars a gallon. Junkyards were dangerous, people were desperate and greedy. It was lovely. So the moral of the story is film festivals are filled with hipsters, watching hipster films. It’s fun though. Just blend in. Wear some SillyBandz.

To end. Here are a few notes. Windows are democracy. Rotating sushi is better than stable sushi. Smoothies are better with vigor. Highway high fives are awesome. The Cubs only win when fontenot is in the lineup. Fire Pig is cool, but gay clown otter is stupid. I need to practice singing White Sky by Vampire Weekend. The Greene Turtle in Aberdeen shows ICarly but not the Orioles game. And that picture up there has nothing to do with anything, but I had to meet my picture quota so just enjoy it, because shes beautiful.

ps French girlfriends don’t exist!


~ by drewschuerholz on May 17, 2010.

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